Misunderstood and Grief – Men and Grief

© Copyright 2019 Grief Probate Journey Blog *PLEASE NOTE THIS INFORMATION IS SOURCED FROM UK and AMERICAN WEBSITES* It is also based on our own experience. *We are not experts in this field, we are speaking purely on our own experience with information sought from the internet to give further examples.*

Please see Misunderstood and Grief which includes:

  1. Introduction/Our Story
  2. YouTube Video: Misunderstood and Grief
  3. Quotes/Illustrative Examples Misunderstood and Grief
  4. Misunderstood and Grief
  5. Links on Misunderstood and Grief
  6. Men and Misunderstood and Grief
  7. YouTube Video: Men and Misunderstood and Grief
  8. Quotes/Illustrative Examples: Men and Misunderstood and Grief
  9. Links on Men and Misunderstood and Grief
  10. Links on Young Men and Misunderstood and Grief
  11. Our Final Thoughts

1. Introduction/Our Story

Associating the word Grief to my sister and I feels strange. It doesn’t feel as though it should be attached to us, as it’s not what we are going through.  This could seem strange, but we know we are like this because to this date, we still haven’t accepted or really fully acknowledged what has happened to our Dad.

For example, for the amount of time that has passed since we lost our Dad, by now, maybe we should be back to some sort of normal or moved forward to a point. The thing for us is, it is still extremely raw, it still feels like a non-reality, it is still very upsetting, it still feels almost new.

We are learning and better understanding the nature of the way our Dad passed away has affected our ability to accept what has happened, much less have the ability to try and move past it.

Even though we are doing this blog and sharing our experience, for us, it’s not the same as accepting what has really happened. Even for ourselves, it’s hard to explain, it’s almost though we are in a parallel existence.

We know this is our reality, we have no choice to realise it as our Dad is no longer here, but at the same time, it isn’t real. It’s almost as though we have blocked that away because if we think about it is painful. This is why we are pursuing a complaint against the hospital in which our Dad was an inpatient. We are doing this as for us, we couldn’t live life day to day if we didn’t try to do this. We really can’t imagine what getting through daily life would be like if we just accepted everything and didn’t decide to do this. (We have a topic on Making a complaint we chose to write about this because of our experience).

As we have said quite often throughout the blog, some of the ways we are dealing with our situation might not be the best way, but it is what works for us from moment to moment. And for us, pursuing this complaint is the only way we can have some sort of “normality”.

We are aware that these things take time, it already has taken quite a considerable amount of time, but we were prepared for that. Prepared as in knowing that it’s not something that we could expect to be over within a short period of time, we won’t know how long this will take. Mainly because the way we have been dealt with has meant we have surpassed required time frames, all of which through no fault of our own.

But we chose to do this, for our Dad, and for ourselves so that we can try and get the justice our Dad deserves.  And also, hopefully, make a change so that this cannot possibly happen to another family. All lives matter. “Elderly” lives matter. We haven’t ever gone into too much detail regarding this complaint because of the stage of the process we are currently in. We are on a journey one that has been focused heavily on sorting our Dad’s affairs.

What we were not prepared for, and what obvisouly was not something through choice, but which is required by law is Probate! Probate is really something else, this process has taken the majority of our time, we thought that it would be the same amount of time between the complaint and probate, but no, probate has been almost the bain of our existence. We wouldn’t want to sound complacent as it was handling our Dad’s affairs, but wow was it one of the biggest responsibilities we have ever had in our lives. (Because of this we did a topic on Probate).

Our Dad sadly passed away in 2017, we started probate that same year. What we did not realise is that it would be one of the

  • Longest
  • Most difficult
  • Soul destroying
  • Mentally draining
  • Physically draining
  • Time-consuming

Our friends and family have been really supportive during these times and showed empathy for us as this process was taking so long. They were hoping for the day probate would be over so that we could start to try and move forward. In honesty, we felt like once probate is over that is when reality would start to set in, and that is when we would have to start acknowledging our reality.

What we now realise is, it isn’t just probate that needs to be over for us to try and move forward, it is to have resolve with the complaint we are making against the hospital that our Dad was an inpatient. This is what we need to come to some sort of resolve with, until this time it’s almost as though we are on hold. This might not make sense, but it is the best way to describe how we feel.  These realisations are what was the thinking behind this topic.

However, we also know there are other factors that can cause misunderstanding in grief, and that was the final deciding factor in making this a topic.

Please see misunderstood and Grief:

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2. YouTube Video: Misunderstood and Grief

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3. Quotes/Illustrative examples: Misunderstood and Grief

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4. Misunderstood and Grief

4.1 Grief.com -­- MISCONCEPTIONS

“Loss is a fact of life, and so are the reactions that follow, but the grief that accompanies significant loss is frequently misunderstood.”

4.2 Why Experts Talk About Symptoms, Not Stages Of Grief

“Stages of grief is one of the most misunderstood concepts of bereavement. There are common symptoms of grief, but they aren’t limited to five”.

4.3 What is the most misunderstood thing about grief? – Quora

“People who have not experienced the loss of a loved one don’t realize that we don’t really ever get over it. We are eventually able to move forward but that pain is still there”.

4.4 How Men Grieve – Psych Central

“One of the most common messages I hear from both men and women who are grieving is, “No one understands……I feel so alone”

4.5 How is Grief Expressed Differently Between Men, Women and Children?

“Grief is a universal feeling that affects every member of the family. However,  the way in which people deal with grief varies.  There is no specific timeline for someone to move on from the death of a loved one, but there are differences between men, women and children and the way they are able to express their grief”.

4.6 HealGrief – Build a Memorial, Write an Obituary, Light a Virtual Candle

“Understanding Grief.  Grief is so often misunderstood. This misunderstanding often leads to the feeling of isolation and loneliness. Here we normalise these emotions”.

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5. Links on misunderstood and Grief

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6. Men and Misunderstood and Grief: We decided to include this in the topic, as we are aware that Men can also be misunderstood in their grief. Their grief and feelings are just as important and should also be acknowledged.

6.1 For Men, Dealing With Grief Is Lonely And Isolating. This Needs To Change

“For too many men, grief is a misunderstood, isolating force that is diminished and dismissed by others. This needs to change”.

6.2 Men and Grief | HuffPost Life

“Grief is an inevitable part of every human life, regardless of gender. It is also one of the great isolating forces in the lives of men. Male grief is all too often invisible, misunderstood, and unwanted, which leaves many men in the difficult position of having to deal with their grief on their own, if they deal with it at all”.

6.3 I Don’t Need Help: Guys and Grief – The Good Men Project

“Guys are different. (No, they’re not!)”

“I work at a hospice. Part of my job involves grief support after a loved one dies. When making a bereavement phone call, about half the people that answer the phone are . . . Men”.

6.4 What Women Should Know About Male Grief | The Grief Toolbox

“Men Grieve far more than we show or discuss. “The first thing women should know about male grief is that we have a lot of it. It is pushed into many darkened corners of our lives. We try to stay very, very busy”.

6.5 Helping a Man Who is Grieving – GriefWords.com

“A man you care about is grieving. Someone he loved has died and you would like to help him during this difficult time. This brochure will help you know what to do and say as you offer love and companionship to your friend”.

6.6 A Different Grief – A Man’s Grief – HOPE Connection- Grief Support Los Angeles

“A belief system is created that affects the way that we perceive life, death and grief. Although men and women both feel pain and grieve when they suffer a loss, the way they deal with grief is where the differences become apparent. The differences we see in “his” and “her” grief responses are due to our different styles of coping with pain and loss”.

6.7 Factsheet 2: When Men Grieve | MyGriefAssist

“A man’s grief is just as deep, just as acute, just as real and difficult as anyone’s. The expression of that grief may differ from man to man, or from a man’s to that of a woman”.

6.8 How Men Grieve – AskMen

Not dealing with grief properly can literally kill you. Here’s why we should stop trying to “man up”

6.9 Understanding How Men Grieve – Crossroads Hospice

“Understanding how men grieve can better help us support them through a loss”.

6.10 Do men grieve differently to women | MHT

“Do men grieve differently to women, and is it harmful for their own mental health?”

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7. YouTube Video: Men and Misunderstood and Grief

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8. Quotes/Illustrative Examples: Men and Misunderstood and Grief

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9. Links on Men and Misunderstood and Grief

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10. Links on Young Men and Misunderstood and Grief

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11. Our Final Thoughts

We are individual people, no two people would handle a situation in the same way, even the closest of people such as twins. This is the same for my sister and I, we both experienced the same loss, however, our coping mechanisms are not necessarily the same.

Something that is common for my sister and I is that we are not aware of exactly how much time has passed. For this reason, we could possibly be misunderstood.

We often wonder how we would view our situation from the outside looking in, as we are aware that we are almost in a time warp.  Time stopped the day our Dad went into the hospital, and since then there has been:

  • Life when our Dad was in the hospital
  • Life when our Dad passed away
  • Life without our Dad in it
  • Dealing with Coroners
  • Maintaining our Dad’s property
  • Dealing with Probate
  • Composing the formal complaint to be sent to the hospital that our Dad was an inpatient.

Above is a snippet of what has been our everyday dealings for the past few years, because of the intensity of this, it has halted us as people, and our feelings. We are aware that we cannot continue like this, we do need to do something for ourselves to maintain our health and wellbeing. Thankfully my sister will hopefully be starting counselling again. I am aware that I need counselling again and will be arranging this for myself to hopefully start sometime soon.

Balance, life is all about balance. This statement is very much easier said than done but is something important for the healthy maintenance of mind, body and soul. And so as we move forward with things, we will try our very best to remember that we need to take care of ourselves, as ultimately without health, what do you really have.

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