The Old Me and Grief: Anticipatory Grief

This topic came up randomly as I’m actually absorbing my past comments on my social media pages……5th September 2016, the day our Dad was hospitalised, the day our lives changed forever.

Please see The Old Me and Grief: Anticipatory Grief which covers:

  1. Introduction (Our Story – Tara and Tanya)
  2. Illustrative examples/Quotes: The Old Me and Grief
  3. The Old Me and Grief
  4. Illustrative examples/Quotes: Anticipatory Grief
  5. Anticipatory Grief
  6. Our Final Thoughts/YouTube Video

© Copyright 2019 Grief Probate Journey Blog *PLEASE NOTE THIS INFORMATION IS SOURCED FROM UK and AMERICAN WEBSITES* It is also based on our own experience. *We are not experts in this field, we are speaking purely on our own experience with information sought from the internet to give further examples. *

1. Introduction (Our Story – Tara and Tanya)

Tara’s Story

This topic came up randomly as I’m actually absorbing my past comments on my social media pages.

Facebook used to be something that I might as well admit I was addicted to it.

Posting status updates, albums for funny pictures, quotes I like, an album dedicated to my most favourite day of the week. FRIDAY. I still use the quotes I like album regularly as that is the album where I upload quotes to uplift me when it’s needed. Doing this has helped my mind feel more relaxed if something has stressed me out or caused me worry/upset. A quote from each album is below:

I didn’t think I’d ever see the day where this would all stop. But the day came. And that day was 5th September 2016, the day our Dad was hospitalised, the day our lives changed forever. Little did we know our life and routine as we once knew it would never be the same ever again. This quote is from a topic we wrote called Grief. It is so relatable to how I become to feel from the moment our Dad was hospitalised.

This is exactly how I started feeling in all aspects of my life, everything felt like one big blur.

What we didn’t realise then is that we were also dealing with and suffering from anticipatory grief. Our Dad became a different person, a new Dad who we had to adapt to in ways we’d never ever had to do in our entire life.

  • He became bedridden
  • He lost his sight
  • He was in and out of Delirium so frequent
  • The various other infections he would suffer from
  • The treatment from the hospital both our Dad and us as a family

All of these things were major big changes, we hadn’t seen any of these things coming when he was admitted to the hospital, but within no time at all this was our new reality.

I’m looking back at my status posts and it feels like a completely different me. Not only in my social media presence but socially full stop. I have become so much more:

  • Anxious
  • Socially anxious
  • Self-doubt in my abilities and decisions

What I realised is the ways that dealing with the professional bodies made us feel (during the probate process) seeped over into our daily life. There became no separation. We lost the ability to do that. A few examples are, not taking things to heart. Having a very low tolerance level.

My sister and I often say we know we’ve changed since our experience, but when I am faced with seeing how much I’ve changed, it’s a strange feeling. Almost a sad feeling. I’ve lost parts of me and haven’t managed to get them back.

Through therapy, I’ve been trying to work on myself to acknowledge and deal with how the past six years have had such a major impact on my life. For me, the reality is, I will never be the person I was the day my Dad was hospitalised. Through time along this journey, I am hoping to discover the new person I am becoming.

Tanya’s Story

The me before this me

I’ve always had issues with illness, issues with being social, feeling low, and a lack of confidence,

I realise now that I have always suffered from some sort of feelings of anxiety, I just didn’t know it. I don’t want to live by label’s but when you know how you feel or things aren’t quite right there is something in it.

I’m not sure where all of this comes from or why this is but as it has always been the case, I see it as it just is what it is.

I always had a love for music, a passion for art design, fashion design, clothing, in general, being out and about.

When I was a lot younger, I got to a place of being very low but with help and support, I tried to get back to what I knew of myself.

This lasted for a period of time but then it started to change, the parts of me that had built back up started to diminish.

When pregnant with my first child I felt like a me I had never really known but always wanted to be, feeling stronger, having a strong sense of love happiness, confidence, joy, Positivity.

Feeling the healthiest I had ever felt in my life, not caring so much anymore what people might think, talking more (actually developing verbal diarrhoea) it continued for a little while despite having a horrible time with the run-up to and after the birth of my first child but gradually it started to dissolve.

On the run-up to and after the birth of my second child, it was a lot more difficult than it sometimes can be.

I wasn’t very well as with my first pregnancy and although happy to be having my baby I was still quite low, this version of me was quite different it reiterated I’m Mummy, (which is a beautiful blessing) more now than ever non-existent but also still existing being there for my children.

Then soon after the birth of my second child came the loss of my Dad.

I thought I was lost before and even though I had experienced loss before, when my Dad went to the higher place a huge deep routed part of me went away too, he was my rock, my powerhouse, from that first day of our Dad being sick and admitted to hospital life for all of us has never and will never be the same, the circumstances of the way our Dad passed also have a big impact on this.

I do thank God for life and I’m here for my Children I just have to remind myself (like so many of us) that I am still here and as well as being here for them I need to be here for me too……

Please see The Old Me and Grief: Anticipatory Grief

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2. Illustrative examples/Quotes: The Old Me and Grief

 

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3. The Old Me and Grief

3.1 Can you grieve your old self?

“When you go through a big change, you can feel like a new person, but grieving your past self is a big part of moving forward. When you go through a big change, you can feel like a new person, but grieving your past self is a big part of moving forward. (25 Oct 2019).

3.2 Does Grief Change your personality?

“Grief can change your personality on a temporary or more permanent basis based on various factors including how profound the loss was, your internal coping skills, your support system, your general temperament, your general stress tolerance, and your outlook on life”.

3.3 How to Grieve the Person You Used to Be – TalkDeath

(15 Mar 2021) — 1. Take an identity inventory. · 2. Resist the urge to sanctify or vilify your old self. · 3. Create a ritual for grieving your old self. · 4.

3.4 We Need to Grieve who we were, so we can Become who we…

(13 Feb 2021) — “Grieve who you were and welcome who you’re becoming. Grieving our past self is the most detrimental grief of all, but it’s exceptional”.

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4. Illustrative examples/Quotes: Anticipatory Grief

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5. Anticipatory Grief

5.1 What is the difference between grief and anticipatory grief?

“If you are facing the end of your life or the death of someone close, grief may come before death does. Anticipatory grief refers to the sorrow and other feelings you experience as you await an impending loss”. (5 Nov 2021).

5.2 5 Steps for Dealing with Anticipatory Grief | VNSY

“Grieving someone who is still alive, or anticipatory grief, is common among caregivers of those with Alzheimer’s, cancer, and other terminal illness”.

5.3 What Is Anticipatory Grief And How Does It Work? – Forbes

(17 Jun 2021) — “Accepting that death is inevitable. This phase often co-occurs with feelings of sadness and depression. Feeling concern for the dying person”.

5.4 Anticipatory Grief: Mourning a Life Before It’s Gone – Psycom.net

(17 Mar 2021) — “Is it possible to mourn someone before they are gone? A writer in the process of losing her father to a terminal illness contemplates this”…

5.5 Grieving Before A Death: Understanding Anticipatory Grief

(30 Sept 2013) — “There is no formula for how an anticipated loss will impact us because we all grieve differently. Things to Remember When Dealing with”…

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6. Our Final Thoughts/YouTube Video

Life is full of challenges, ups and downs. it can be so unpredictable. We never know what is around the corner. The recent pandemic is an example, and now the recent storms Eunice and now Franklin. These have both had a massive impact all around the country.

With so many situations that can cause us to be mentally and physically challenged, maintaining a balance of wellbeing and self-care is necessary. It can be so much easier said than done, but it is also so very important.

We hope that everyone is keeping safe during these times and the current weather situation.

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