When speaking to my therapist about my fear of getting on public transport and trying to establish why my fear/worry has become so bad. Thanatophobia was mentioned. I had never heard this term before and had no clue what it meant. I was told it is Death anxiety. I was asked to think about where this fear could have come from and could it be from my childhood. Immediately I said no, but then when going deeper and locking into my vault of stored traumatic times it all started coming back to me….
Please see Death Anxiety which covers:
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1. Introduction
This topic was written back in April 2021. It stemmed from one of my therapy sessions. It might seem quite ironic to suffer from this fear when we have been running our grief blog for four years. But the fear is real and relevant.
This is why when speaking about our loss we say our Dad passed away. Rather than di..d. We are not saying this is the right way, and are aware this terminology might not be welcomed, but this is what works for my sister and I and helps us to get through. The thought of saying that word since our Dad is even more difficult, and then associating it with what has happened to our Dad it is a whole other level.
We are not quite sure why this topic has been prolonged for this many years, but for some reason now it feels the right time. Maybe it is because it is an unknown that we would like to share.
When speaking to my therapist about my fear of getting on public transport (during the pandemic) and trying to establish why my fear/worry had become so bad. Thanatophobia was mentioned. I had never heard this term before and had no clue what it meant. I was told it is Death anxiety. I was asked to think about where this fear could have come from and could it be from my childhood. Immediately I said no, but then when going deeper and locking into my vault of stored traumatic times it all started coming back to me.
I then began to realise all my fears….
- Fear of even saying the word
- fear of associating the word with our Dad
- Fear of getting on public transport and bringing something back to my mum and she …. ultimately that is my fear. But I wasn’t allowing myself to think that deeply.
But as soon as this was said, it all made sense. Prior to this, I was struggling to work out why my fear/worry is so bad. It’s to the point that I had nightmare dreams that I’m on public transport and then I start panicking once I realise where I am.
Another thing we spoke about is when I read the term Armageddon and learned what it meant, it made me start visioning the world as nothing, no people no world. The end. This really scared me, made me worried, and really sad. This could be where my anxiety started from without me realising. And the events since my Dad got ill and the pandemic resurfaced it.
When trying to explore what could be the cause of my anxiety, when taking note of things I was saying such as fear of the unknown, uncertainty, and not knowing what the right thing is to do, this is where it was concluded it was death anxiety and a phobia for getting on public transport.
When the pandemic started and panic buying was happening and the news was heavily dominated by Coronavirus and death cases. I immediately started feeling like I did as a child and that this was the start of the end of days. This was the start of the end of the world it panicked me beyond belief. Part of the way I dealt with this was I rarely watched the news. I got my information in other ways.
The connection between this fear was like an awakening moment. This also makes me realise how much more of an effect our Dad passing away has had.
Our mum hadn’t been too well during the pandemic. It was an extremely distressing, worrying, scary overwhelming time. My sister and I almost felt that we had reached the end of hope. But thankfully our mum started responding to treatment and slowly coming back to herself. This couldn’t make us any happier.
When talking to my therapist I mentioned when our Mum was really bad it was even more worrying because there were similarities to when our Dad was ill in hospital, but this time we were going through a worldwide pandemic.
On reflection, as our Mum is coming back to herself, realisations are starting to fall into place. When our Dad passed away he would appear in my dreams fairly frequently.
At one point the dreams were about my Mum. From these dreams, my sister and I concluded this could be a message to make sure we take care of Mum, make sure she is okay, and look after her. We took this to mean as we were so focused on probate and inheritance tax we could be neglecting Mum. We were conscious of this anyway, but the dreams made us focus and be aware even more.
But now since our Mu became ill we were wondering were the dreams a sign of this or a warning of what was to come?
One of the dreams I had, was that my sister and I were going somewhere, walking through a woodland area that didn’t have level paths and it would have been easy to slip and fall. Our Dad was across the road walking alongside us. But then he came over the road, picked up our Mum took her to his side of the road, and continued walking with her. When I woke from that dream I felt a huge sense of responsibility. It felt like such a strong and direct message. Looking back now, it feels like it was all connected.
Please see Death Anxiety:
2. Thanatophobia
2.1 Thanatophobia (death anxiety): Symptoms and overcoming it
Thanatophobia is a form of anxiety characterized by a fear of one’s own death or the process of dying. It is commonly referred to as death anxiety. Death anxiety is not defined as a distinct disorder, but it may be linked to other depression or anxiety disorders. These include: post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD. (27 May 2018).
2.2 Is the Fear of Death Controlling Your Anxiety? Healthline
“Death anxiety can be perfectly normal. The fear of the unknown and what happens afterward is a legitimate concern. But when it starts interfering with how you”…
2.3 Thanatophobia (Fear of Death): When You Can’t Stop Worrying
(10 Jan 2022) — “Thanatophobia, otherwise known as the fear of dying or death anxiety, is characterized by panic attacks, shortness of breath, and excessive”…
2.4 What are the symptoms of thanatophobia?
- “Chills”.
- “Dizziness and lightheadedness”.
- “Excessive sweating (hyperhidrosis)”.
- “Heart palpitations”.
- “Nausea”.
- “Shortness of breath” (dyspnea).
- “Trembling or shaking”.
- “Upset stomach or indigestion” (dyspepsia). (20 Apr 2022)
3. Death Anxiety
3.1 What does death anxiety feel like?
“Key symptoms that a person may have a phobia of dying include: immediate fear or anxiety when thinking about dying or the process of dying. panic attacks that can cause dizziness, hot flushes, sweating, and a raised or irregular heart rate. avoidance of situations where thinking about death or dying may be necessary”. (27 May 2018)
“Death anxiety can be perfectly normal. The fear of the unknown and what happens afterward is a legitimate concern. But when it starts interfering with how you live your life, it becomes problematic”.
3.3 Why do I have so much death anxiety?
The exact cause of thanatophobia isn’t known, but a variety of factors can increase a person’s risk of developing this disorder. Trauma: Phobias can develop from personal trauma or near-death experiences or from hearing someone else talk about their traumatic experiences. (13 Oct 2022).
4. Our final thoughts
Life has many ups and downs, twists and turns, and situations that we might not anticipate or be prepared for. With each new day, we go through different experiences. These experiences can sometimes shape, form or determine our feelings.
In our blog, we try our best to share the unknown terms or feelings we experience, in the hope that if someone else might be going through something similar, it might help them to feel less alone.
5. Our YouTube Video
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